Late in Life Virginity
Sex is just one of those things that means a hundred different things to people all at once. It’s not just this one thing, it can be several and we have it for different reasons. We do it for love, we do it for fun, we do it because we’re happy, we do it because we’re sad, we do it because we want to be with someone and we do it with people we never want to see again too. And with each person it’s different, there’s no rule book, there’s no right way, no manual and that’s part of it, it’s the discovery of another person and how you both blend. Sex is this deeply personal thing, it’s something we keep to ourselves maybe, some of us are more open, some of us are a little open, but for a lot, we keep those encounters, those moments, those people and places in our own minds. But also sex sells and its everywhere, it’s on billboards, in movies, on TV, in music, in books, in poetry, in newspapers, on the radio, online because it’s one of these things as people we’re consistently drawn to and we can all relate to, or mostly all. Because there are some people who are a bit late to the party, the late in life virgins, and it can be difficult sometimes feeling left out of this ubiquitous and ancient experience, an experience that we all have differently, we feel differently, we see and hear and touch and understand differently.
What’s it like to be a late in life virgin
For the late in life virgins, sex can become less of this special, exciting or beautiful experience in their minds and more of a source of total panic. It’s the moment where you feel, oh no, everyone’s done it, and I haven’t and I can’t relate when it’s brought up. Of course, late in life virgins are still able to relate to a lot of it, in terms of that they’re not robots who have absolutely no idea; they’re people and can feel the same natural reactions that non-virgins feel and can understand it on both intuitive and intellectual levels. It’s like how we can sort of imagine sky diving if we’ve never been, we can understand what we think the feeling of free falling into the wind might feel like and the sensations. But people who have done it have a better perspective, they get it on an experiential level, they know it more. For non-virgins, it would be imagining what we felt before we had sex, the ideas we had of it and then after sex. For many people, sex was not a transformative experience, they did not feel integrally any different afterwards and for others, it signalled this sort of awakening or coming of age perhaps. In some cultures and communities, sex is still reserved for marriage and late in life virginity is a choice while for others, it’s not a choice so much as just how things happened or in this case, hasn’t happened.
Statistiks : You may be surprised to know that according to a Center for Disease Control and Prevention report, 4.8 percent of women between the ages of 25 and 29 have never had sex (4.4 for men); 2.4 percent of women and 3.3 percent of men between the ages of 30 and 34 are virgins, as are 1.5 percent of women and 1.6 percent of men between the ages of 35 and 39.
Counter to incel narratives, being a late in life virgin does not mean that that person is a perma-virgin. 4.4% of men between 25-29 report not having had sex but that drops to 1.6% of men between 35-39. The thing is, it can be hard to see how it could just magically happen all of a sudden. There are many reasons why people are late in life virgins including:
Social Anxiety
Lack of Social Circle
Health Reasons
Mental Health
Lack of Interest
Self Esteem
Fear
Misguided or Bad Impressions of the opposite sex
Emotional Issues
The thing about looks, or personal appearance, is that while it can be the reason why a guy (or girl) hasn’t tonnes of matches or opportunities, it isn’t exactly a reason by itself. While everyone has their personal preferences, I personally believe it’s impossible to say that someone’s appearance on its own is so hideous that absolutely no one on the planet would love them. There is no proof for this, but there is also no proof to say otherwise.
The thing is, many incels aren’t virgins. Incel isn’t actually synonymous with being a virgin. There are many incels who have lost their virginity (not through sex work) but have issues with dating now. Also while personal appearance might be a factor, it’s not the be all for many men. It’s often tied with other issues such as social anxiety.
Being a late in life virgin can be really emotionally difficult. It can feel like being left out, being separated from the rest of the adults, feeling inadequate or strange. It can feel like being an alien.
Virgin Shaming
It can also feel shameful. Virgin shaming is harmful and cruel, it’s when people attack someone for being a virgin or make fun of them for being a virgin as if they’re defective in some way. At the end of the day, there are plenty of people around the world who have the appearance of doing well who aren’t, for example, there are many married men who are awful husbands or in sexless marriages, there are many men who can sleep around and have flings but have emotional issues and can’t keep a relationship together. Sex, love and relationships are personal things, they’re not for us to judge the whole person on. It is super possible for a person to be really good at their job, to be a really intelligent and popular person but have massive issues in their relationship or sex lives (JFK). Being a late in life virgin doesn’t have to have any bearing on anything else in that person’s life - they haven’t had sex yet, so what, have you met the love of your life yet? Yes, no, okay shut up who cares. Stop making it like some weird race. If you’re so concerned about someone’s sex life, that speaks more to your insecurities and your weirdness.
Manhood on The Line
For men, late in life virginity also comes with added aspect of dealing with feelings of potential emasculation created from traditional and societal ideas of manhood being tied to sexual conquest. The idea of ‘The Man’ has links to a man’s ability to attract not just one women, but plenty of women and not just any women, the most beautiful women. It’s the James Bond desire, the reason why movies often have guys who are successful surrounded by bikini ladies and you never really find the vica versa of that. It’s something that’s hard to sort of get out of. While most guys come to terms with the idea that they’ll never be George Clooney or anything, having the exact opposite situation where a guy feels he has no interest from women, can sort of create a psychic insecurity of being not man enough and negatively judged.
Fitting In
Most people will have sex at some point in their lives. Being a late in life virgin can feel really stressful, it can feel like no matter what a person does, they’re still not in the klub. However, as most adults assume most other adults have had sex, even those who are virgins will be mostly treated as if they have. This means things like being in conversations about sex with friends or new people, being asked about if they have a girlfriend, being asked if they’re seeing anyone etc. It can be difficult to know what to do in these situations and it can feel really frustrating. Sometimes it is more appropriate to not make virginity known, sometimes it just makes it easier and honestly- it’s no one’s business so who cares if you lie. Unfortunately, in general it can be a bit of an awkward thing to announce or make late in life virginity known and this can attract unwanted attention so it’s not really necessary unless there’s trust built up.
Late in life virginity can feel stressful and frustrating to people experiencing it, however, for most people this is not an indication of permanency but more one of delay. Also what can feel super late, isn’t that late. The early 20s are not actually late. It feels like forever because time moves slower when you’re younger, but actually it’s fine, you look back after a while and kind of laugh at how young you were back then and how you felt a lot more mature and old. For people struggling with late in life virginity, it is worth getting a little bit of counselling for self esteem and as a sort of support. It’s also worth taking new steps in life, like getting into new social groups and being proactive. While not everything is based on our actions, we do actually have to do some things for ourselves or it won’t happen. We’re not going to meet someone sitting inside and for most of us, online dating doesn’t actually work out so we need go out to the people.
Late in Life First Time
The thing about sex is that it's very subjective and it’s also unique to the two people. Some people can have real and undeniable sexual chemistry and some people just don’t, many first times are a little awkward and this is to be expected and people tend to focus mostly on themselves during the first time and are always a bit nervous. The thing about maturity is that adults can also be a bit more confident to ask questions and to communicate. Teenagers are too nervous, too jumpy and there’s a reason why teen rom-coms show those awkward first sex scenes. The other part is that adults are more understanding, for the late in life virgin, they are more likely to have a considerate and understanding first time where their partners will be attune more to their needs and patient. Even if the partner isn’t aware it’s their first time, adults in general are more patient and kind especially if they know the person. This can mean that the first time as a late in life virgin is likely to be very positive and caring, as opposed to anything scary or awful.
TLDR:
While late in life virginity is emotionally difficult, it also doesn’t mean it’s a permanent situation as the stats say and it also doesn’t have anything to do with misogynist incels. It’s totally normal and typical to be a late in life virgin and not have anything to do with hate, misogyny, violence or anything else that’s been associated with it. Late in life virgins are now having an extra hard time dealing with stress and frustration about sex and now also being burdened with the association to violent misogyny and paedophilia from the misogynist incel spaces and media. But just to remember -no, being a late in life virgin doesn’t mean a person is bad or defective, it may not be typical but it’s not the most unusual thing ever ever and also, most people will never assume another adult is a virgin and it’s at a person’s discretion to open up about that or not. Even in the first sexual experience, there’s a really big chance the other person would never know unless told, as all first sexual experiences come with nervousness and adults are generally patient especially if they know the person a little. And in the meantime, it’s important to remember that one thing, or lack of a thing, doesn’t define us. Virgin shaming is really cruel and childish, it shows more insecurity on their part really and it’s cringe to care about someone else’s sex life, like are you okay, do you have a sex life you should care about because sounds like you’re not doing too well either. Some of us aren’t doing too well in some areas, that doesn’t mean we can’t do well in others. Sex is personal, sex is for us, and sure, it can be the source of a lot of anxiety as a late in life virgin, but it doesn’t need to be this doom and gloom and we can find ways to get around it and to eventually find it too. And also - being a late in life virgin does not mean someone will also be bad in bed or isn’t sexy, sometimes it’s the dark horse that’s the winner.
